When The S*** Hits the Lav

Position Report: Flight Level 390. Somewhere over the Atlantic. Things are about to get crappy.

Starting out it was a pretty good day in Paris. Light winds, overcast skies but the temperature was tolerable. We pushed 5 minutes early for our flight back to the United States and we were all anxious to get back home.

Coasting out over the Atlantic we said our goodbyes to Shannon Control and settled in for our 4 hour crossing.

*Ding*

The cabin interphone rang and I thought perhaps my dinner was ready. Or was it lunch. I'm not sure but the sun is up and I'm tired. Whatever, it'll do.

"Hey guys? We have a write up," says our Lead Flight Attendant Roger.

Usually it's a broken coffee maker, a young kid pukes on his seat...the usual. But it's not my lunch.

"Yeah, what is it?," I say.

Word for word: "You're not going to believe this. Someone took a dump in the sink of the lav. What the heck am I supposed to do?"

What? You mean my chicken isn't ready?

OK, no matter how hard we try there isn't a checklist for "A-hole Poos in Sink" although we did look. The best we could come up with is "Biological Hazard" but is seems the writers of that checklist were planning on Al Qaeda using the latest Breast Implant Explosive (BIE), not Steaming Pile in Lav (SPL).

So what are we to do?

Combining our combined 50 years of aviation knowledge we came up with the best solution: we placarded the lav inop and continued on to our destination. 

Yes, this really happened.

For all of you who don't wear shoes to the lav but rather your socks, because it's so inconvenient to put your shoes on, let this be a lesson.

Sometimes flying is a crappy experience. Literally.

ETOPS: What Is It and How Can It Save Your Life?

During our preflight preparation for our flight to Ireland last week we did all the usual routines, including check the flight plan to ensure we had the proper fuel, look at the crew manifest to figure out who we were flying with, and check the weather. Checking the weather consists of making sure our destination and alternates are at or above their weather minimums. When flying across the Atlantic in ETOPS airspace we need to make sure our diversions are proper and safe.  

What is ETOPS?

ETOPS stands for Extended-range Twin-engine Operations. What does this mean? Basically any two-engine aircraft operating for an airline must be within 60 minutes of the nearest suitable airport with one engine inoperative.  

What if you have more than two engines?

If you have more than two engines, say a Boeing 747 or MD-11 you can operate without regard to that rule. With those aircraft you can fly the most direct route, even if it's far away from a suitable airport. The logic is you have multiple engines that can fail before you're in trouble.  

OK, but there aren't many three-engine airplanes out there

On your next flight across the wide ocean take a look outside and you'll probably notice you only have two engines, one on each side. The airlines, wanting to use more fuel efficient aircraft, use a large percentage of twin jet aircraft on their routes, including oceanic routes. The FAA, along with aircraft manufactures and airlines, realized this trend and came up with a solution. With the reliability of aircraft engines increasing and better training and maintenance on the part of the airlines, the FAA came out with ETOPS.

Currently, with two engines airplanes, we can fly either 120 minutes or 180 minutes, single engine, from the nearest suitable airport. Those times depend on how your flight is planned and what fuel is required. Usually our ETOPS diversion airports are either in Iceland, Canada or the Azores, which keep us well within the 120 or 180 minutes required. And not all airlines are allowed to do this; indeed, you must be approved by the FAA before conducting ETOPS operations.

So the next time you're flying across the ocean and see only two engines, rest assured there is a plan in place to safely get you to your destination or an alternate if the situation arises.

What do you look for in a CFI?

During the course of my travels I often think back to what I had to do to get in my current seat. Flying across the Atlantic to destinations far and wide wasn't my first flying job, and it may not be my last. I've had the opportunity to fly all kinds of aircraft - from small Cessnas to large Boeings.

I also instructed for about 2,000 hours.

While some pilots have instructed more, others less, one thing is a common denominator - some instructors are great while others barely make the grade! I haven't personally instructed in many years but I still keep my CFI current in case I need it again; indeed, it's a lot easier to keep it current than it is to get the rating again!

Many pilots at my airline who work in the training department keep their CFIs current as well. For those pilots who like to teach I think it is a natural gravitation to end up in the training department of an airline. After all, an airplane is an airplane and the student's learning is influenced mostly by their instructor's ability to convey key learning points (and the student showing up prepared).

For those of you learning to fly, or perhaps you seasoned pilots out there who only get your biennial flight review, what is it that you look for in an instructor?

What do the Florida Primaries and flying across the Atlantic have in common?

When we're flying across the Atlantic Ocean we have two things on our mind:

1) Where are we?

2) Where are we going?

and

3) Who won in Florida?

OK, maybe that's three things but that last question is still very important when you're 700 miles from the nearest shore line and are completely out of touch with the ground. Usually when you're flying over the United States you can ask a friendly air traffic controller and, if he's not busy, he'll give you the latest score or primary result.

But what do you do when there no way to communicate with the ground?

With the advent of satellite communication we have the ability to receive messages from our dispatch, usually weather related, regardless of where we are on the Earth.

On our way to Amsterdam we did just that! Since the computer only accepts bold letters and doesn't have a question mark our question looked like this:

WHAT IS THE RESULT OF FLORIDA PRIMARY <SEND>

And about 5 minutes later, on our printer (yes, we have a printer on board), we received the following message:




Now that the results of the Florida Primary were firmly in our hand, we could go back to the business of answering the first two questions again.....Now, what were they again? I forgot.